– written by Alex

My Mommy

I saw HER and immediately I knew that I wanted her to be my mommy.

But things don’t usually work out for me, so I tried not to get my hopes up.  She bent down to look at us.  Her kind eyes viewed my pretty sister first and then she scanned over to my brother & I.  We could have been twins.  Both of my siblings were acting out as usual.  They were prone to getting all the attention and of course, thrived on it.  They were screaming and jumping up and down to draw even more attention to themselves.  I sat in the corner, quiet, scared, observing and taking in everything that happened around me.  The woman loved us all as soon as she laid eyes on us.  I was dying for her attention and yet I stayed silent.

The lady was accompanied by a tall strange looking man that gave no thought to us at all.  However, you could see in his eyes how much he adored the lady.  I sat back far from the circus that was my brother and sister.  I would have hidden behind something if there was anything around, but we were out in the open.  Sometimes in times of severe stress, I imagine myself curled up in a little ball hiding my head as if that will block out the world.

My dreams come true…..

Then the weirdest thing happened.  I heard the strange man tell the lady to pick me up.  I was in so much shock that I forgot to be scared.  She picked me up and cuddled me like no one ever would again.  And yet with all my excitement, I could not speak.  I tried to convey my instantaneous love for her as best as I could but all I could do was just settle into her arms.  She looked down at me with love and a feeling that I would be protected, now and forever.  I was content for the first time in my life.  I closed my eyes to cherish this moment.

Then it was gone…..

The lady handed me over to the strange man.  He was not unkind but just felt awkward in his ways.  As I was trying to give the strange man a chance, I saw my brother picked up and all my hopes and dreams vanished.  Shortly thereafter, the lady picked up my sister and I felt my first pangs of depression set in.  Even though the lady had picked me up first, I knew that I would not be leaving with her.  I did not have the personality of my brother or the beauty of my sister.  I am described as ordinary and plain.

Both my siblings were talking and playing.  I knew they were putting on a show and I could not get a word to her.  The lady took me from the strange man and gave me a small kiss as if saying “I love you but you need to stay here”.  She placed me back in my corner and walked away.  The lady did not choose either of my siblings.

The endless stream of potential parents came by……

Only one or two others took a look at me.  My sis and bro captivated all the spotlight.  I was trying to catch a few Z’s when I caught a glimpse of the lady coming back down the hall.  Instantly awake and alert, I wanted one more chance to be held by her.  The strange man was still with her.  As they got closer, I could tell the lady was very happy and she was talking to the man non-stop.  She picked up my brother and handed him to the man.  She came over to me and scooped me right up.  I was in heaven.

It finally dawned on me, that she was testing each of us out. 

I tried to savor my little time that I had left with her.  So when she was carrying me out of the building, I couldn’t believe it.  I glanced back at my brother, who was now sitting with my sister.  They were too busy flirting with the next potential mommy to even say goodbye.

Breakout to my new life

The strange man drove and my mommy held me tight.  She wanted me to know I was safe, but I was scared out of my mind.  I never thought I would leave that place in a million years.  Don’t get me wrong!  I had gotten exactly what I wanted, this lady was going to be my mommy.  However, fear of getting what we wish for is just as paralyzing as fear from a real sudden danger.  I had no doubt that the lady, ‘my mommy’, loved me, but that did not guarantee I would like wherever we were going.

The drive was far, but before long, mommy was carrying me into my new home.  Mommy set me down on what I thought was a blanket, but it covered the entire floor.  Little did I know that each room had its own blanket that was never removed.  I had never seen anything like it before and I immediately felt the need to explore.  Mommy and the man followed me around.  They were not more than a few steps away from me at any time and their constant movement freaked me out.  I constantly ran from them to hide behind whatever was near me.

The house…..

Mommy had bought me lots of new things.  Being the first one adopted into this family had advantages.  Mommy was working on getting everything perfect for me.  The strange man tried to feed me, but I refused because my fear took over.  I was afraid that if I ate or drank anything, I would be sick.  I didn’t want to give them any reason to take me back!

After my initial exploring, mommy tried to pick me up.  All the ‘newness’ left me overwhelmed and I ran from her.  I’m not sure why, but the love I felt just an hour ago for the lady was gone and I was shaking from my fear.  I evaded her for three or four more passes but then she caught me.  The instant she held me, all the love came flowing back.  What is wrong with me?  Am I schizophrenic? Mommy only held me for a few minutes and then she placed me in this small room and closed the door.  At first, mommy sat in the room with me.  She had set up a bed…my bed and provided some more of the food the man tried to get me to eat.  Mommy left the small room and I eventually fell asleep.

Settling in…..

The door opened and I woke up.  It seemed like a long time since they visited me.  The man poked his head in to see me and then left immediately.  Not long afterward, my mommy came in and scooped me up.  She noticed I hadn’t eaten anything so she made that her main priority.

She took me out into the larger room and I started to explore.  Since I was separated from her for a second, I was scared to walk back to her.  She started putting pieces of food out on the floor for me to eat.  Just one at a time.  This did not overwhelm me and she knew this.  She placed it close to me and I walked forward.  Then she started bringing them closer to her until my mommy could pick me up.  This is how I got over my fear of my mommy and now I love her unconditionally.

If you liked Alex’s story, take a look at the rest of KiKi’s Zoo.